I love you
Yes, I am a little drunk, but that doesn’t make my statement any less sincere
If I had an identical twin, I would probably spend an inordinate about of time worrying about getting arrested for a crime he committed.
My favorite thing about evolution is when it reminds me that Idris Elba and I share a common ancestor.
An important fact that I’ve learned through the copious amounts of british television I’ve consumed is that you dial 999 in an emergency over there.
I was just with people that were surprised that I thought the earth was more than 10,000 years old. Life is dumb.
I just accidentally called them The Black Eyed Keys so now I have to go put a shotgun in my mouth :(
I really enjoy that show “Girls” and I am almost as excited for it as I am for “Game of Thrones.” You may judge me if you wish.
Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from being wildly nihilistic.
Hey, you guys, I met a girl tonight that is totally going to forget about me by the time I text her next weekend!
I’m at some sort of club on my birthday and I haven’t even been offered one blow job yet! Its like I live in a city full of savages or something.